I am 9-years old and I'm in my classroom at junior school. I'm not sure who the person was who visited our room that day or why they were there, but apparently, they were a person of note. I remember they came up to my table where I was seated along with several others. A conversation was struck up and my under-developed 9-year old brain decided to try and be humourous. I said some things I thought were funny and then the person moved on. That's as much as I can recall regarding the specific circumstances surrounding the person who came to visit that day, but what I do recall with absolute clarity are the events that unfolded after they had gone. My teacher decided to "review" the visit with the class and talk about some things that happened. Two of us were called up to the front. My classmate was told something about how they had acted well and been good. I, on the other hand, was publically admonished and told my behaviour had brought shame to the whole school.
Over forty years later and I still carry the emotional scars of that day. I constantly wrestle with the belief that I am not good enough and the fear of being publically shamed. I have lived with a tremendous amount of self-doubt, and much of that has occurred in the public realm. I have this little voice inside my head (my 9-year old self) that questions my ability to do things. That little voice has hi-jacked many good things in my life over the years. Yet the paradox is that I also carry with me many stories that affirm my self-worth and my competence.
In his letter to the Philippians Paul says "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation" (Philippians 4:12). I am struck by this idea of learning the secret of being content. Over the years I have allowed much negative self-talk to define me and limit my natural ability to do things. I have gifts, but I have allowed fear and shame to repress these. Yet within the context of my faith, I have begun to see myself differently. I have learned the secret of living differently. For example, although I get anxious prior to my hospice visits and doubt my ability to provide adequate spiritual care, I have many stories of God showing up and affirming my ministry. This usually happens when I set fear and being self-conscious aside; when I am still - when I no longer dwell on anxiety but on being calm. How do I know God is present? Because things come together, connections are made, people thank me and tell me they have been blessed, a client becomes visibly more relaxed, things change; people change... In short, there is a greater sense of love, joy, and peace.
I engage in negative self-talk far too easily, so when it comes to validating my ministry I have to step away from my thoughts. Even Jesus validated his ministry by pointing out how people's lives were being positively transformed by the things he was saying and doing (Matthew 11:2-5). I keep this in mind when 9-year old me tries hi-jack my adult life. Instead of trying to argue with the child-in-me, I affirm the knowledge that I am more than capable of doing this work and recall the many ways people's lives have been positively changed by my interactions with them. I affirm God's Spirit within me; that I am one who is deeply loved and has been called by God, and as such I have the right to do the work I do. I am now able to stand in front of anyone with my head held high. I have learned the secret of living fully into the life God has set before me. I have learned the secret of being content.
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