You lifted me out of the slimy pit

The other day a friend posted this old photo of me on Instagram. It was taken in 2011. In response, I posted this comment: "Holy sh*t, I look depressed as f*ck!" That old photo reminded me of just how much my life would emotionally and mentally spiral out-of-control in the following years. 2011 was also the year my Dad died. In my lowest moments, I contemplated ending it all, something I have told very few people. When I look back on my life I find I have spent many years recovering from some form of loss: losing my faith, a marriage ending, my father dying to name a few and yet, whilst there have been many losses, my whole life story is one of recovery.

My return to faith in 2016 was a cry for help. I cried out to God, a God I had spent twenty years trying to live without. I have since come to frame the story of my faith-recovery in the context of the 12-Step AA tradition. The first step is this: "We admitted we were powerless... that our lives had become unmanageable." Those who enter recovery do so because they have reached rock-bottom. There is nowhere else for them to go but up and out of the pit of despair they are in. Whilst some look down on the idea of using faith as an emotional or spiritual "crutch", in the AA tradition it is essential. We need something "other" and "outside" of ourselves to help us heal. We cannot do it alone. For me, there is no shame associated with admitting that one has got to a place in life where dramatic and radical change is needed. As Albert Einstein once said, "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
The other day I read this:

"I waited patiently for the LORD; [God] turned to me and heard my cry. [God] lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; [God] set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in [God]. Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare." (Psalm 40:1-5)

As I write these words it is my 52nd birthday. With no word of a lie, my 51st year was the most fulfiling I have ever have known. I experienced my life in a way I have never known before. I have spent many years trying to find my place and purpose in the world. I believe with the hospice work I am doing I have now found it. My faith provided me with a "rock" on which to rebuild my life. It's hard for me to explain, but God's presence in my life is real and tangible. People might deny God's existence, but the real and visceral effect of having God in my life cannot be denied. It has truly changed me! I am no longer the person sitting in the photo above, for they no longer exist. Instead, that person has been lifted up out of the mud and been given a new song to sing.

As I said, it's difficult to explain but I think these words from Isaiah sum it up best: "I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. With whom will you compare me or count me as equal?" (Isaiah 46:4-5). Amen!